Archive for August, 2012

August 25, 2012

A trip to the Thorp Fruit Stand and Antique Mall along I-90, just a few minutes west of Ellensburg, Washington. Angela and I went on in to Ellensburg for lunch at the Palace, best french dip I have ever had. A stop in North Bend on the way back so we could hit Starbucks then the back road to Snoqualmie and the Falls. What a super fun day with my best girlfriend, Angela. Laughter, tears, heart to heart talks, honesty and problem solving!! What an awesome day it was. I love this girl to bits!!!


I saw this girl, standing there, looking at the waves, not budging from her stance. Then I looked at the size of the wave she was facing. These waves were rising taller than how tall she was, then crashing and racing towards her feet.

I picked up my camera and snapped close to 30 photos, only having this one to show what she was facing. Once I put my camera down I watched 8 or 9 waves, each taller than she, rush to her feet. She then ran towards me, stopping at a man who was sitting on the same log as I was. She was so excited and exclaimed “Daddy, it isn’t scary once you realize its only water and just gets you wet!!”

So many things I have feared in my life have been just like these waves. I just have to remind myself and not fear.

Through the eyes of a child!!

My second video on Youtube

Below is one of my favorite photos I took this weekend. I cried when looking at this. I thought… What memories are lost here, who lived here years ago that this would not have been taken care of after they moved or passed away. Then I wondered… when I am gone, all the love I feel for others, all the beautiful things I am blessed to see, all the memories and all the pain…will anyone give a care? If when you die and enter the gates of heaven all of this is forgotten because things are so gloriously wonderful there then why do i try so hard here? Why do I want so much happiness here? I sat there with my camera on my lap on the side of highway 20 and just sobbed. Maybe I am not meant for what i think i need and want.
What my heart desires is forbidden from me. What my heart feels has not ended and it won’t.   

There will be more photos to come

Somewhat normal

As a somewhat normal person I have struggles like everyone else. I often wonder if my struggles are normal at all. While in counseling years ago I described by biggest obstacles (excluding marital unhappiness)…she told me my sensory issues are classic of autism. But my expression of what is inside me is so unlike autism. I asked…whats wrong with me? She said… “absolutely nothing!” Two of the most powerful words I have ever heard after years of being told I was stupid.

One of the biggest challenges I have is with sensory overload. When I am in a room I struggle to hear only the conversation that I am in at the moment. I truly hate the television.. it is this distracting box of noise that makes me want to cry. When having a conversation with my mother in the same room where a TV is on I tend to be short and get irritated when she speaks. We can have the same conversation sitting outside on the porch and I am perfectly fine.

When I am at work I wear ear buds that drown out other noises so all i can hear is the music I play. There are people speaking all the time, sometimes 10 or so conversations going on at the same time. I hear them all, I wish I didn’t. The coworkers with the grating voices and attention seeking behavior that disrupt me have no idea how hard it is to gather my thoughts and refocus on my work. Sometimes I take a bottle of visine in the bathroom with me, pull off a ton of toilet paper and just let the tears fall into it. I control my breathing so nobody hears my sobbing. I calm down, wipe my tears, blow my nose and drop visine in my eyes. I walk back to my desk with my head down. I know people think I am aloof or stuck up but I just cannot make eye contact after crying like that. Not because you will know I have been crying but because my senses are at their peak and when I look at someones face I take hundreds of mental pictures of them. I can easily topple into overload again.

Another struggle I have is having flooding memories. Just like the overload going in that I cannot shut down I have the overload going out. When writing I know I have a dozen stories to tell, but when I try to write just one the others invade my thoughts.

My saving grace(s)…My best friend. When I am with him my heart and soul are elated. We go to the movies and I remember enough to discuss the plots and characters afterwards but to say I enjoyed the movie? I would say I enjoyed the company and just being able to spend time with him. If I want to truly enjoy the movie for the movie… I will see it without him. When we go to dinner I am so focused on him and what he is saying that the world is drowned out. And my opinion matters to him. When I speak he closes his mouth and watches my eyes, my body language, he listens to the words that come out of my mouth. When I speak of something that saddens me i can see my emotion reflected in his mannerisms and visual response. I love my best friend so deeply that I do not hear the world around me. When we first met I cried from being confused. It was one of the only times I can recall that i did not hear the cacophony of the world around me. The other saving grace is my camera: When I stand with a camera in my hand and I look through the view finder I can focus but do not see in detail what I am looking at. I have found photography to be one of the nicest blessings in my life. I come home to edit the photos and there on my monitor will be a hidden gem I didn’t see with my eyes, I didn’t study it, I didn’t take mental pictures…It is this treasure for me and I thank God for the blessing of not having had seen it with my eyes and have my brain wonder and photograph a hundred times.