Category: ♥♥ the people i love ♥♥


Emprise (The Stream, Book 3).

The very talented Bill Jones Jr has completed the third book in his Stream series. Please check it out. He has a sweet deal on top of that for those who haven’t read the first two books…November 7th through 9th he is offering them free to Kindle readers.
Congratulations Bill. I cannot wait to read more of your work.
Much love my friend 🙂

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Below is one of my favorite photos I took this weekend. I cried when looking at this. I thought… What memories are lost here, who lived here years ago that this would not have been taken care of after they moved or passed away. Then I wondered… when I am gone, all the love I feel for others, all the beautiful things I am blessed to see, all the memories and all the pain…will anyone give a care? If when you die and enter the gates of heaven all of this is forgotten because things are so gloriously wonderful there then why do i try so hard here? Why do I want so much happiness here? I sat there with my camera on my lap on the side of highway 20 and just sobbed. Maybe I am not meant for what i think i need and want.
What my heart desires is forbidden from me. What my heart feels has not ended and it won’t.   

Why is it that women forget their worth. When a man says “You’re beautiful” he means it and we don’t believe him, we get embarrassed, as if we are in a place we shouldn’t be.

A friend said this to me last week and covered my mouth when I started to speak up. He said “You are strong, you love when others give up. You cry when joy is felt, and laugh when you are in pain, you smile when you’re hurt. You would fight to protect that which you have been entrusted with. You think quietly and let others do things their own way without your input or advice unless you are asked or see them in danger or feeling helpless. Your smile is deceivingly innocent and warm at the same time. Your eyes have seen joy and so much pain, even your own death, yet they are prettier that the anything I have seen. There is more to beauty than what you think I see. These are my eyes and I know what they see. You cannot argue with that!”

All I did was sigh and say thank you.

On a day trip to Deception Pass, WA, a random pic that i allowed Angela to take with me in it. You know I have heard people behind the lens are camera shy, LOL

I believe my views on ethnicity and race have been forever molded by the bigotry I witnessed throughout my life.

My first encounter with bigotry was through my dad. We lived in a small town site in Nevada…company housing for the mine he worked for.

There on the corner, near the bus stop lived my very best friend in the whole world. Everyone called him Choo Choo which made me angry, even at 5. What a stupid nickname, something in me felt it was wrong. His name is William. William I would scream at my brother who would make fun of me because I was the only one who played with William.

At 5, and all my life I have not considered a person’s skin tone in my decision to like or dislike them. I have always looked in their eyes, curiously looking at them to see their soul.

William and I played together, day in and day out, laughing uncontrollably as we would swing as high as we could, or sliding barefoot in the green algae in the gutters. His Mama was the best hugger ever! I sometimes think she loved me like she loved William.

The thing that bothered me about William is that I never saw him in school. I would run to see him after I changed into a play dress and I would tell him all about class. He listened with intent, I even brought my schoolwork to show him my grades. I begged him to come to school and he said, very quietly “Mama won’t let me go.” But she had lined school paper and pencils and we would sit for hours and write.

I hugged him hello and goodbye everyday we played together, like I had not seen him in ages. Our friendship began when i was 5 and shortly after my 7th birthday my dad drove by as William and I  were playing school on the picnic table.I saw my dad’s face and knew I had best get home. I remember wrapping my arms around William and telling him “no matter what I love you, no matter what!!”

Oh I was in trouble when I got home. My dad used words I had never heard before and with such disdain that I knew his hatred for my best friend that he had never even met before. I argued with my dad, my eyes flooded with tears, even my hands balled up in fists.

I hated my dad that day, hated! He walked me down to the end of the block and waited as I crossed the street. I knocked on Williams door and with he and his Mama standing there I had to tell him I didn’t want to be friends with him anymore. I never stopped crying as I said it and at one point I remember turning and pointing at my dad.

For the first time I saw William cry and my heart broke. I felt like I could not move, but i slowly turned and walked back towards my dad. Half way across the street i screamed at my dad “I hate you!” I knew William was watching me as my dad tried to take my hand. I pulled away. I turned quickly and looked back… I pointed at myself, crossed my arms and pointed at William…He knew I loved him, he had to.

I never looked at my dad the same again. I think my first experience of his bigotry and fear will always evoke the tears I felt as a 7 year old. And I think it also was the catalyst that began the abuse I endured from my dad.

If I could find William today I would tell him I am sorry, I would hug him and probably not let go until he made me. And where ever you are in this world… William, i still love you!

There comes a point in your life when you don’t have to be anyone’s anything anymore. You can walk away knowing what you have tried to accomplish for others is complete. And you stand at the door, looking at all with great fulfillment and thankfulness at the legacy of what you had struggled to do…. then you hear your children thank you, you hear them say they love you, they say how much they want to be a part of your life and you a part of theirs. In an instant you realize the goal was not just the happiness of those around you but your own as well. I have such a peace inside me at this moment that i wish i could show you all. Don’t give up, ever. No matter how hopeless anything ever seems to be…its not.

I was 18, about as smart as a rock when it came to motherhood or giving birth. But there I was, the most incredible pain I have ever had and not a familiar face anywhere. It was Easter Sunday, they had sent my husband home somewhere around midnight because “it was going to take forever since this was the first baby”.

April 19, 1981…my due date. An uneventful pregnancy. No classes on breathing, no classes about being coached, I made it to my appointments and took my prenatal vitamins and didn’t drink or smoke. I stopped drinking coffee, eating chocolate. I couldn’t afford to call home and ask any questions and my own Mama didn’t know I was scared to death. I was stubborn, refused to admit to anyone I was scared to death. I was 18, I was invincible, I didn’t need anyone but my husband and my baby.

There I lay, in a labor ward in the hospital at Travis AFB in Fairfield, CA. One of four women in labor, one doctor and three nurses watched over us. I had asked the nurse for an extra pillow and with every contraction I stuffed my face in that pillow and cried and hyperventilated. I asked the nurse to call my husband repeatedly and she kept telling me it wasn’t time. What part of  “I need someone beside strangers around me” did she not understand? I swear, I may be as dumb as a rock about childbirth but she had me beat on compassion… she was incredibly lacking. Could she not hear me asking God if this was going to kill me with every contraction?  Soon I was crying in that pillow non stop, afraid this childbirth thing was going to kill me.

Suddenly a soft loving voice broke through… “Is your name Amy”?

I looked up from my pillow and the woman in the bed next to me… her belly was bigger than mine… she was smiling at me. She told me I was going to be fine. She had lived through 2 of these. She asked if I had been to Lamaze classes. I shook my head no and said my husband was in school at night when they had the classes. Then she told me about some breathing technique that for the life of me sounded like the most idiotic thing I had ever heard, but I was willing to give it a try, after all, I had nothing to lose.

I sounded like a fool… hee heee heeee heee heeee heeee…then a whoooooo. Between contractions, hers and mine, she comforted me. Her smile was so nice to see since the old battle axe of a nurse never seemed to smile. I asked this angel next to me why the nurse was so cranky… she replied something about Easter Sunday and working…sigh!

Shortly before 6 a.m. there was a lot of commotion and I overheard nurse Battle Axe say that all 4 of us were going to have our babies at the same time and there was no time to call in a second Dr.

Panic struck my heart and I finally sat up enough to see the other three women and I asked… is this your first baby? All three replied no. I called dibs on the doctor then because he had to know more about this than that nurse did.

In a matter of minutes I was transferred to this bed that had handles on the sides. I knew instinctively to grab the handles and and with every contraction getting stronger I pulled on those things with all my might. Screw the pillow and tears.

The pain came in waves so rapidly that I had no time to think. I saw Battle Axe coming and I think I growled at her loud enough that she finally understood I didn’t want her there. The Dr showed up at my side, smiled and put his hand on my forehead. He comforted me and said I was going to be ok.

He took his place  and was talking me through this thing when he said…”just a few more pushes hunny”. Ten pushes later he said “Come on, harder…harder”!!

For the last push I grabbed those handles and took a deep breath and pushed.

There was a rush of adrenaline that hit me like a wave and at 6:36 a.m. the pain subsided in its intensity and I was the proud mommy of a 7 lb 14 oz baby girl.

My first question on my journey to motherhood was “where do I put this handle I broke off the bed”?

Do you see this five foot two, eyes of blue??

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She loves you from the depths of her heart.

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She would stand before insurmountable danger just to protect you.

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She knows what matters in life… She knows YOU matter in her life.

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The love in her heart for you makes her brave and strong,

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Yet she stands humbly in your presence, head down, showing reverence.

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If only you knew her heart, but then again, she knows you do.

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This woman is ever thankful for the love and acceptance you have for her.

If ever there is a tomorrow when we are not together…
there is something you must remember:
You are braver than you believe
Stronger than you seem
Smarter than you think
But the most important thing is,
Even if we are apart, I’ll always be with you
…Winnie the Pooh

love…

My heart dies….and fades without your comfort
My soul longs to have but a moment with you
When i hear your voice my spirit soars
i feel like everything is new again
How do i express your importance to me
and not sound like a sappy fool?

You make me melt
You make me love deeper
You make me breathe
You make me feel wonderful
You make me want to scream of love from the roof
You make my adrenaline pump
My heart pounds so hard i can’t hear a thing
When we don’t speak my heart feels like winter
Cold, desolate, quiet, without color
But the minute the resonance of your voice hits my ear
You make me feel like a child in the warm spring sunshine
The grass in new, the winter flowers bloom so fragrant
Birds sing happily right before the dawn
i can smell the earth on my morning walk in the woods

It’s like turmoil in my heart
Adrenaline in my veins that waxes and wanes
As you walk in and out of my touch
Is this really love?
Its pain is wonderful
It’s wonder is exhilarating!
It’s lonely longing drags me to the abyss
i can’t breathe normal
i gasp for air…being consumed by the thickness of whatever this love thing is
It is not painful….just a shock to my system.

What have you done to me?