Category: Deep in my heart


Emprise (The Stream, Book 3).

The very talented Bill Jones Jr has completed the third book in his Stream series. Please check it out. He has a sweet deal on top of that for those who haven’t read the first two books…November 7th through 9th he is offering them free to Kindle readers.
Congratulations Bill. I cannot wait to read more of your work.
Much love my friend 🙂

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My best friend challenged me around 4 years ago to look in the mirror.

As I did, my head lowered and tears fell. I hated what I saw because all I could see was what negative people had said to me.

He stood behind me holding me tight. When he asked me what I saw I began with words I had heard over and over and over again… ” ‘I am fat, ugly and stupid. I am an idiot who doesn’t know anything.’ I see a very scared woman who doesn’t know if she can survive alone. I see a very frightened little girl.”

He hugged me so tight and whispered in my ear “you have been robbed of the privilege of seeing an amazingly intelligent and absolutely beautiful woman. You are very lost but only you can answer what path you want to take in your life. May I tell you what i see?”

“Absolutely.”

“I see beauty, not just your outward beauty but also the kind and loving soul that has a heart more incredible than anyone I have ever met before.”

“then you have not met many people have you?” I interjected.

He hugged tighter “Woman!! I also see a woman with a comeback for almost anything I say! And a child’s playful spirit that encompasses a decisive, level headed, reasoning person. I have yet to find a subject that you do not have an opinion on or don’t know something about in detail. I see a woman who doesn’t argue her point, just states it matter of factly. You have swayed how I think many a time because of your reasoning behind what you have said. I see a brave woman who doesn’t know she is.”

This man has always asked me if I have been looking in the mirror… he has encouraged me to look deeper than the glass, to look at Amy, not as anybody’s anything but just as Amy. As I tell him of the setbacks in my life he encourages me to go back to the point when things went awry and take a different path, not to allow setbacks to hinder me from a goal. And when I talk to him about something exciting in my life he smiles, you know that big ear to ear grin? Then he asks me “Are you beginning to see and believe in the Amy that I know?”

With that, I would challenge you all, with the love that has been shown to me, Look in the mirror, not as anybody’s anything but as you. What do you see? Do you see a lie that negative people have made you believe or do you see the person you want to be, have every ounce of becoming or are?

August 25, 2012

A trip to the Thorp Fruit Stand and Antique Mall along I-90, just a few minutes west of Ellensburg, Washington. Angela and I went on in to Ellensburg for lunch at the Palace, best french dip I have ever had. A stop in North Bend on the way back so we could hit Starbucks then the back road to Snoqualmie and the Falls. What a super fun day with my best girlfriend, Angela. Laughter, tears, heart to heart talks, honesty and problem solving!! What an awesome day it was. I love this girl to bits!!!

I saw this girl, standing there, looking at the waves, not budging from her stance. Then I looked at the size of the wave she was facing. These waves were rising taller than how tall she was, then crashing and racing towards her feet.

I picked up my camera and snapped close to 30 photos, only having this one to show what she was facing. Once I put my camera down I watched 8 or 9 waves, each taller than she, rush to her feet. She then ran towards me, stopping at a man who was sitting on the same log as I was. She was so excited and exclaimed “Daddy, it isn’t scary once you realize its only water and just gets you wet!!”

So many things I have feared in my life have been just like these waves. I just have to remind myself and not fear.

Through the eyes of a child!!

There will be more photos to come

His Muse

I look, high and low. Where has she gone?

She is the fate that touched him deep enough to make his words bleed on paper.

The one who believed in him when he needed.

Maybe I cannot see her because I cannot feel her touch as he does.

Or maybe too many voices have created  a barrier, hindering her song from reaching his ear, his soul.

As an onlooker in the crowd, I sat eagerly awaiting his next word.

I watched. He seemed alone. Not even looking for his muse. From my view at least.

Working my way out of the audience I ask “Where is your muse?”

He does not hear me.

Tears fall down my cheeks as I consider maybe he never had a muse.

Whatever the answer may be…

I pray his words be drawn from his soul and bleed upon the paper again.

If Bill Jones, Jr ceases to write, this world will be robbed.

They may never get the chance to know they were robbed.

 

 

My best friend and I have had a long distance friendship for over 4 years. He was the one person who gently picked me up like a bird with a broken wing and helped me heal. When I was ready to fly again he encouraged me. Then when I was really ready he kicked me out of the nest for fear that my contentment would turn to complacency. Though I know how to fly, and many times do…a bluebird among the eagles, I know where his nest is when i need him. His is filled with comfort and warmth, love, nurturing and protection! He taught me by example what a nest requires and now I have my own.

The greatest thing he did was teach me to unlearn the lies that were brainwashed in my head and to believe in myself.

People walk along the path we travel in life and they are there for a specific reason. Some we see in bitterness because of pain we associate with them while others we grieve as we part, afraid the joy we felt with them will never be felt again.

I believe we are meant to learn from everyone in our lives, good or bad. The good is obvious. The bad…we learn the signs of breakdown and failure, of pain and heartache. Hopefully we learn from these people and don’t have to repeat the lesson to learn it.

Whether it be a life companion or a fan cheering us on. The friends travel longer on our path than others do. Some travel a lifetime and are part of who we are as a person.

What we must remember… We travel in and out of others’ lives and give to them also. Choose what you do with care.

Emasculation: The deprivation of virility and strength.

I know I will be hated by some for this blog and I truly do not care. It is just a post where I can express how I feel. Before I get hateful emails please consider starting a blog of your own and put your opinion for the world to judge.

I do not see the women’s liberation movement as any kind of step forward.  I understand why it was started and all of the causes that it meant to champion. I actually see this movement as one of the largest downfalls of society.

I think that the women’s introduction to the workforce by the numbers it did several decades ago began an age of decline in the social structure of who we are as a nation.

We complain about the men in our nation, how they are lazy, how they lack drive to become anything.

We complain about children, how they are lazy and have no morals. How they lack the ability to love and have little conscience.

We complain that our families don’t eat supper together, how we lack anything in common.

We complain that life is too fast and we don’t know how to slow it down.

But we as women have stepped into roles that make us a breadwinner. We have created a society of latch key children who are raised by television, video games, cell phones and doing immoral/illegal things for thrills.

I title this post emasculation of a nation but our men have been emasculated also. Many have been stripped of their innate need to be providers and protectors. The femininity that they are attracted to is gone as they see women as competition now. Women that wave their banner of liberty against “oppression from men” (how sexy Is that?), Women that used to care for them and the children they have together, Women that want it all but think they can throw  money at it and make a problem go away.

The outcry over children’s sins and crimes could easily be addressed if a caring mother took time to love, nurture and teach that child right from wrong. Show them how to use their imagination by shutting off the television, unplugging the computers and taking away other devices. teach them It’s not ok to call names and hit others… this is the way women are made up, we think things through to a degree  that our children should see that we should think before acting and speaking.

Men are very right/wrong creatures, able to make life altering decisions in seconds when it counts. And they believe so strongly in their decision that they will stand by it. I once said, about my ex, in a hard marriage that he was a good provider. And he was, in fact…a great provider. I could see immediately what those words did to him when he heard them. He maintained then exceeded his standard of providing knowing I saw it and was pleased.

I travelled the road of working 2 jobs at once to pay bills, and the bills rarely got paid, our level of living raised Instead. My children, after 14 months of me doing this were disobedient, back talked and considered me a stranger when I tried to discipline. My ex looked at me and said… “enough… one part time job” after the kids started losing that balance in them, my ex didn’t have the patience to nurture like I did, my kids saw everything in black and white and didn’t reason as they had before. My attitude became somewhat haughty which turned off my ex. He wanted his sweet wife back.

As for women’s liberation, I  benefit from the war it waged in society but I would much rather be at home raising babies, teaching the next generation about tolerance and equality, fairness as well as give and take. I would much rather have a loving man in my life come home, knowing I love him and what he does for me and my family. Knowing we are giving our children a strong moral foundation to one day be leaders wherever they are at.